CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
