If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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