I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
