I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
