Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
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Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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