Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
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i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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