Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
