im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
