I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
