We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
