Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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