I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
