I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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