just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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