he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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