Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I have feelings that need drinking.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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