we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
