you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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