she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
