I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
