so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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