My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
