if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
