I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How does one acquire holy water?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
