you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
