I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
