Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
