I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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