Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
