It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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