Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
