Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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