If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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