I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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