Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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