they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
