Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
