I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
