I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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