I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
