Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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