We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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