my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
