so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i think i just naturally attract stoners
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
