I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
