I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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