When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
