Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
