Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
