I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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