My girlfriend figured out who you are.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
