That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
