My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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