I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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