Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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