I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
