it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
