watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
