Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Houston, we have a squirter
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
