i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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