I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
