Will you blow on my dice?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.