saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?